It Was Always Me And You
by never-give-up-hope2
Summary: "Then I'm going to take her to Paris. Ziva loves Paris." A daddy/daughter journey, in more than the literal sense. Contains spoilers for 13x24 'Family First'.
SPOILERS FOR THE SEASON 13 FINALE! DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE SPOILED! THIS IS YOUR FINAL CHANCE TO TURN BACK

 _A/N: Well... that was extremely exciting wasn't it. I whipped this out in a few hours, mainly because writing it made me able to understand the situation a lot more and this is kind of my theory on what happened. When I was writing I never liked it when people named their child Tali but now that I actually think about it, it makes perfect sense and is completely in character. I really don't want any hate comments on this. Nobody is asking you to like what happened and I didn't cause it to happen. Although I must say, even thought I don't like that they 'killed off Ziva' *wink wink*I actually like most of the episode, because it's full of little nuggets of goodness and plus, if you take it from the theory that Ziva is alive, a lot of it makes sense. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy and I hope you're inclined to leave a review!_

* * *

 _Hold on, darling_  
 _This body is yours,_  
 _This body is yours and mine_  
 _Well hold on, my darling_  
 _This mess was yours,_  
 _Now your mess is mine_

 _~'Mess Is Mine' Vance Joy_

 _-x-_

They don't stay in Israel for very long.

He knew as soon as he stepped of the plane that he wouldn't be able to be here for more than a few days at most. It was just too… _full._ Full of everything that might have been but wasn't. Neither of the times he had been here were under pleasant circumstances, and yet leaving in both of those situations had been so much harder. He does not look back on them fondly.

Tony has to remind himself that last time he created a child, _his_ child, and that he does not want to associate her conception with how he left.

Tali is delighted to be back in a familiar place. He had known that as soon as they had stepped off the plane also. He hopes fervently that it has something to do with the familiar language and smells and not with the fact that the toddler hopes that she'll be seeing her mother soon. Although judging by the way she is craning her neck to look over his shoulder as her carries her out of the airport that is exactly what she hopes.

They spend their few days in Tel-Aviv gathering some required paperwork and visiting some of Ziva's relatives that he thought Tali would quite like to see before they leave. He isn't sure when, or if, they'll be back. There's too much history in this country for him to be comfortable here and especially to be here without Ziva just seems so wrong. When she's older he hopes Tali won't hate him for this decision but it's the only thing he knows for sure right now: he cannot stay here without Ziva David by his side.

Mainly, Tony and his daughter just get to know each other during these few days. They go to the beach, because it's one of the few places that doesn't require a lot of Hebrew knowledge to be enjoyable. They make sandcastles and play in the water and Tali squeals with delight every time a wave rushes up to meet her feet.

It's amazing, Tony thinks, how much you have to worry about when you have a child. He's constantly re-applying sunscreen to her face, arms, and legs even though she probably doesn't need quite as much factor 50, considering she is Ziva's child; Ziva who never once burnt. Every time Tali finishes her juice, Tony is there automatically giving her another. He makes sure she stays mostly in the shade and he doesn't look away for a second, lest she run off or be snatched away from him.

He still hasn't quite grasped the fact that she is _his. His_ child with _Ziva._ The Ziva who he loved before he properly even knew what that meant. The Ziva who he had been through hell and back for and would gladly do it again. The Ziva who he had walked away from, almost three years ago. He had meant what he said: if he had known she was pregnant he would have been there in a heartbeat. Once, lifetime ago, he had been afraid of children. Afraid of how small they were, how fragile, and how utterly dependent they were on their guardians to love them, protect them, keep them safe. Yet, recently, he'd been thinking about settling down, starting a family, completely unaware that his own family had already began a continent away.

Looking at Tali, he knows the fears haven't gone away. He is so very afraid that he will ruin her somehow. That he cannot give her what a father should be able to give his daughter. Hell, he'd already missed out on so much that he can never get back, no matter how much he would kill to. He would love to be able to hold her as a baby in his arms, see her first steps and her first words. And no matter how much he loves Ziva, he knows a part of him will never be able to forgive her from keeping Tali from him all this time.

 _His daughter._ It makes him feel strange inside. It makes him feel oh so strange and yet he doesn't mind it at ll. He loves his daughter with everything. In the beginning he wasn't sure. It was all so fast and he didn't have the regular nine months most people do to sort out his feelings. And yet, when she had pointed at his picture and called him _aba…_ when she had done that he had fully realised that he was completely and utterly in love with his daughter. That she _knew_ him and knew that he was her father was the moment that it all became clear that he loved her with all of the world and not just out of obligation or a duty to Ziva, but because she was a part of him and a part of Ziva, a woman he had loved tremendously. In that moment, everything had seemed like it might be okay.

It gets easier. He manages to understand Tali the more he spends time with her, even though they currently do not share a language. He learns what foods she likes and what she does not like. He learns that her _kehlehv_ is perhaps her favourite thing in the whole world and she will never go to sleep, or go anywhere really, without it. Tali starts to point at him and call him _aba_ rather than just his photograph which he lets her sleep with also. It's the closest thing to her mother, other than himself, than he can give her right now.

However, what doesn't get easier is her tears at bedtime when Ziva isn't there to bathe her and hug her and do whatever else she did. The fact that whenever he picks her up or they go somewhere new she'll crane her neck to look for Ziva. The fact that she'll point at Ziva's picture, say _ima_ and look at him expectantly.

Every time he looks at her and says, "If I could I would, Tali. You gotta know that."

The way her face drops and she goes back to pointing at the picture and then at him accusatorily, like he's purposefully keeping her mother from him tells him she doesn't.

Tony feels for her, he really does. She might recognise him as _aba,_ but he's been absent for all but the past few days of her life. To her, a stranger is the one picking her up, feeding her, carrying her, pushing her buggy, dressing her and putting her to bed. He tries his best but sometimes she looks at him uneasily, like he's doing everything wrong. And to her he probably is. The only way she's ever known is the way Ziva does things. Ziva probably sang to her and called her a pet name and knew whether she liked to be tickled or hugged and if she liked the hair ruffle that she herself did. At this very moment, he doesn't even speak the same language as his daughter and it makes him feel more inadequate than anything ever has.

One night he wakes up after a particularly bad nightmare in which some relative of Ziva's came forward and asked for Tali back. They say that he cannot be her father; how could a father still hope to be a good father after he has already missed so much? They take Tali from him and he is left crying and screaming after them. He wakes drenched in cold sweat and checks Tali's crib to make sure that she's still there. He watches her sleep soundly for the rest of the night, and well into morning.

They leave for Paris soon after that.

This time it is not as easy as it was in the airport of Tel-Aviv. Charles De Gaulle airport is busy and there are so many people. As the El Al flight begins to disembark, Tali begins to grizzle in his arms. This time the language, sights and smells are not familiar to her and he thinks it might all be a bit much for her to handle. If he's honest, it's a bit much for himself. He holds her close, hoping that this will at least be familiar enough to her to stop her screaming in the airport. That is that last thing he needs.

They manage to get outside without too much drama and this is when it suddenly hits him. He is in a relatively strange city with a toddler, two suitcases and a buggy that he had discovered could possibly be the most awkward contraption he's ever encountered. He'll need to look into getting a new one. He pauses for a second, contemplating exactly what that means. However, he doesn't contemplate for long because Tali, in his arms, starts to murmur against his shirt and he knows that this particular murmur means that she's about to start crying any second now.

 _Oh Ziva. How the hell did you manage this alone?_ He thinks, and with that he feels that pang in his heart that reminds him just how much he's missed out on.

They manage to find a hotel that won't cost him terribly much a night for him and Tali. The receptionist looks at him quite oddly when he says that he isn't sure how long he'll be staying and that he does need a crib. Tony gets ready to call her out on it before realising that yes, it is an odd situation. If it was anyone else he supposes he would find it quite funny. Too bad he isn't laughing.

It takes them a few days to get their bearings. He nearly empties the childcare aisle in the local supermarket as, still not quite sure of what he exactly needs, he hopes there will be enough there to get him through at least the next week. If he can just hold on till then he is sure everything will be alright again. Tali starts to lose the look of unease whenever he picks her up now and it makes him so happy he could nearly cry. She starts to call _aba,_ raise her arms and wiggle her hips when she desires to be picked up and even though she's insistent and demanding – exactly her mother's daughter – he doesn't think he will ever tire of it. The fact that she trusts him enough will be something he will never be over.

Sometimes he'll catch her in a certain light or with an expression on her face and he swears he sees Ziva. Sometimes it hits him like a punch to the stomach just how much she is definitely Ziva's daughter. The way she smiles and the way she laughs is absolutely and completely her mother and he wishes to seem them together. They must have made quite a pair.

He still doesn't get it, why she never told him. He doesn't think he ever will. Didn't she trust him enough with their daughter? Knowing of his track record with women and his fears of children. Ziva was different though. He could have found out years ago -before he was even close to ready as he could ever be to being a father- that she was pregnant with their child and he would've been there and he would've loved them no matter what. Not just because he had to be there, but because it was _their_ child. Ziva had always been different and he just wishes she had known that.

 _I would've been there. I would have been there for everything. Just cause I was afraid of children back then doesn't mean I wouldn't have stepped up, Ziva. I would have been more than happy to start a family with you._

He knows that some may assume that he's just taking Tali and being her parent because he has to. Because she's his child and he's her father and so he must. Except that's not entirely true. Of course he would. He would have taken Tali and looked after her no matter what, except because he has to be isn't the reason he's here now. He genuinely loves this little girl so much, with everything he has, and he is sure that he would give up the world for her right now. Just like he once told Ziva that he couldn't live without her, he knows that he couldn't live without Tali. Even though it's only been a few weeks, he can't imagine a life not knowing her.

They've been in Paris for almost a week when he makes the trip to the _Champ de Mars._ Navigating the buggy deftly between all of the tourists and locals crowding the public greenspace, Tony almost wishes for a way to be able to carry Tali without all of this buggy nonsense. Is she too old for those? He doesn't even know when her birthday is and it is another reminder of his incompetence. Her birth certificate is in the go bag along with other important documents but he hasn't had time to sit and look at them properly yet. He still feels like he should know when his own daughter's birthday is.

They eat lunch together on the grass. Tony has Tali on his knee, one arm around her waist and he tells her all of the facts about the Eiffel tower that he can remember. She gurgles happily, partly to him and partly to her _kehlehv_ and he feels like he could very much get used to this.

He sees her coming before she sees them, sitting there on the grass. She recognises the buggy before anything else and then her face lightens up when she sees her daughter. Tali, almost as if sensing her presence, begins to shout, " _Ima! Ima!"_ and strains at Tony's arms, begging to be let go so she can run to her mother. As soon as Tony removes his arm from her waist, she's off like a rocket, straight into Ziva's waiting arms.

Ziva just hugs her tightly for a minute or two before carrying her over to Tony. For a moment he thinks she isn't going to speak, until she simply says, " _Bonjour,_ Tony."

" _Bonjour,_ Ziva," he replies, being unable to resist a little smile when he says her name. It has been too long.

She nods. "I see you got my letter. I was unsure you'd find it."

"Couldn't quite believe it when I saw it either." He had almost cried with just pure relief when he had taken the back off the picture and right there, tucked between the picture and the back of the frame was a hastily scrawled note explaining everything and nothing all at the same time. It had taken him a few days to find. He'd already been through everything and phoned everyone else he could think of, on the off chance that she was, by some 2009 miracle, alive.

"I see you also met Tali," Ziva says, nodding her head in the direction of her daughter who is clinging on to her mother tightly, babbling away in a language that Tony knows he could never understand, no matter how much Hebrew he learnt.

"Yeah, it was nice to finally meet my daughter," he says drily, with just a hint of bitterness that he's unable to resist.

Ziva sits down and places Tali on the grass in between the two of them. She looks up at Tony and smiles her toddler smile and the bitterness inside him grows a little more. "Tony-"Ziva starts but he cuts her off.

"No, Ziva. Why? Why didn't you tell me? I would've been there in a second, _in a second,_ if I had known. I would have _been there for you._ So why?"

She takes a deep breath. "I had already asked you to walk away. You had already left when I found out. It would not be fair, to ask you to come back when I had already asked you to walk away. I did more than that, I _made_ you walk away. I was always going to introduce to Tali, always. It was originally going to be after she was born but then I thought of how you would feel and so then I put it off, knowing that it would make it worse when the time came for you to meet her, but I was just not ready. For that, I am always going to be sorry."

They're silent for a few minutes, watching Tali babble to herself. She looks up every few seconds, just to ensure that her mother is still here. She glances at Tony too and points to her mother and smiles, thankful that he finally gave her back her _ima._

Tony tries to understand Ziva's reasoning. A part of him does. A part of him understands putting off a task you don't want to do until it can be avoided no longer. Besides, how do you even break news like that to somebody? So he understands, just a little bit.

However there is one question he can't resist asking. "Was it because of me? Was it because you didn't want a relationship with me?"

"Oh, Tony," she breathes, "that was never the reason for me not telling you, you must believe me. I loved you, I _love_ you and that will never change. The place I was at in my life was not a happy one; I was not going to take you there with me. I just needed to be better than who I was, before I could be someone to you."

"Don't you get it, Ziva? You've always been someone to me."

She nods, acknowledging his words. "I am so sorry, you must believe me."

He does. He truly does. Except he needs more time. He needs time to figure everything out. Unfortunately, time is not something he has anymore, not with Tali in the mix.

He leans over and hugs Ziva in a way that he's only done a few times before. "I am so, so glad you're alive," he whispers hoarsely into her shoulder. There are tears in his voice and he doesn't want to cry in front of his daughter but dammit, he can't stop himself.

They release each other and Tony inconspicuously wipes the tears from his eyes. Tali plays on, unaware.

"Is she okay?" Ziva asks, worriedly. "I mean I can see she is clearly happy and you have clearly become an excellent father, Tony but-"

He shouldn't be able to understand where this cautious Ziva has come from but he does, all too well. It's as if cautious is something that permanently implants itself into your DNA once you become a parent. "She's completely healthy," he assures her. "She's missed you a hell of a lot though."

Ziva laughs sadly. "I have missed her so much too. This past month has been the longest I have ever been apart from her. As silly as it is, I was- I was afraid she would forget me." She wipes tears from her eyes that are threatening to fall. "I am sorry you had to meet her in such circumstances. I was not sure what else to do. I just knew that she had to be safe, and the only person I trusted to do that was you."

He wishes differently too. He wishes he didn't have to meet his daughter on the heels of finding out the woman he loved was dead. No matter how hard he tries otherwise, he fears he is always going to associate one with the other.

He doesn't ask what happened. Right now he doesn't need to know. There will be more time for catching up later. For now, just the facts he knows will do.

"She's beautiful, Ziva, really beautiful."

"Thank you. I have always thought so myself. She has your eyes. I found myself looking at them and seeing you."

He nods sadly. "I still can't quite grasp that we have a daughter together, you know? Like it was something I thought of a lot, us having a family, but I never thought it was already truth. I don't know anything more than the basics. Hell, I don't even know some of the basics. I don't know where she was born or even when. I don't know her middle name or if she even has one. There's so much I've missed."

"June 16th," Ziva says. "She was born June 16th 2014. It is her second birthday next week. I have a disk with lots of photographs and videos on it, Tony. Of everything. I know I can never make up or get you back all of the things you have missed, but perhaps I can try?"

He looks at Tali and her smile, listens to her laugh. The knot of bitterness in him begins to unravel. "I would like that very much."

They stay there, on the grass for the next several hours. Talking about everything they need to talk about. They must be responsible now. They have a child. No more time for seeing who will dare to make a move first and no more time for dancing around the matter at hand. They're _parents_ now and they need to be responsible.

Ziva tells him stories about Tali. She tells him that her first word was _aba_ and the knot begins to dissolve. She tells him that she had more than one photograph of Tony in their old house and that Tali would point to all of them and shout ' _aba',_ awfully pleased with herself that she got it right.

In return, he tells Ziva about NCIS life ever since she left. He tells her about hearing the news that she was dead and meeting Tali. He confides how scared he was and how lost he was thinking she was dead and they had a daughter. He tells her that Gibbs and the others may know that she is alive, although he can't be entirely sure. He tells her that they got Kort. She nodded bitterly about that.

It is agreed that they must try to make their relationship work. How could they not? It's the natural thing to do, Tony thinks. There is nobody else he would ever want to be with, or even try to. For a long time, it's only been Ziva.

As they're making their way back to the hotel, Tony pushing the buggy and Ziva holding a sleepy Tali who had screamed the minute her mother was out of her sight, Ziva turns to Tony and says, "Why are you doing this?"

He stops and turns to face her. "Why am I doing what?"

Ziva gestures around her. "All of this. Taking Tali, going to Israel, coming here. Why go to all of that trouble for a woman who made you leave her and kept your child from you for almost two years? Why not just move on with you and Tali? Why keep trying to find me and be so desperate enough to call around everybody and search satellites and so on? Why do all of _that_ just for _me_?"

He comes and stands in front of her and Tali. He strokes Tali's cheek with his thumb, just taking in her beauty that he is sure he will never get over. He wipes away Ziva's tears that are threatening to fall and kisses her, right here and right then with a passion that he hasn't kissed anyone with since he said goodbye to Ziva, almost three years ago. Once they have broken apart he leans his forehead against hers and makes no attempt to hide the tears that are freely rolling down his face.

"Couldn't live without you, I guess."


End file.
